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Road Raging
By Frederick Mueller III

I just wanted to talk to you about this road rage thing. After several close calls with death (theirs) and imprisonment (mine) I've learning to deal with my complete amazement at how poorly people drive. After years of study I've also realized that my rage can be reduced if I try to stay clear of certain types of vehicles and drivers.

Dodge and Plymouth Neons:
Why did they name them Neons? Its like a flashing warning light; you need to keep the hell away from them. These cars are cheap and fast. People who could only afford motorcycles in the past are now driving these overpowered death machines. They weren't so bold with they're butts hanging out and if they hit you they just bounced off, but now that they're wrapped in sheet metal and plastic they're fearless. Not that a factory Neon isn't bad enough, but if they have bright yellow cryptic Japanese lettering stuck to the windows, just pull over and let them pass.

Women and Yuppie Wieners in SUV's:
Neither of them knows how to drive the damn things. The women sit up there looking down on men drivers, thinking about all the guys that have messed them over and take out their not so latent aggression on any poor sap that happens to get caught in their gaze. The Yuppie Wieners sit at a keyboard all day thinking about the off-road trips that they'll never take, how the baby puked formula on their Eddie Bauer leather and dreaming of punching out their a-hole boss. After work they take their pent up resentment and put it behind the wheel of a 3-ton Lincoln Navigator, which to me looks like something Clark Griswold would drive. The Family Truckster of the nineties. How much more ugly plastic crap do you think they can they bolt on to that thing?

Men driving Mini-Vans:
Lets face it, these guys have something to prove. Do you think the Winstar was his first choice when his wife took him car shopping? He wanted the Carerra 4 and with the kids screaming and the wife bitching He's fantasizing that He's behind the wheel of the Porsche.

Anyone with Blue hair behind the wheel of a Cadillac, Lincoln or Buick:
If I have to explain this one, you deserve to be cut-off, smashed into, dragged from your car and run over repeatedly.

All the above mentioned idiots better pray I never take up driving tractor trailers.