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Screenplays
IRWIN
I...It's
Friday, I think, I
don't....
GOD
Buck
up lad, the date, you know..
Ah here it is.
Irwin waits expectantly.
GOD
Yes,
of course. Not bad, not bad
at all.
IRWIN
Well,
what is it?
GOD
Ahem.
"That's the way things go
sometimes". Not bad. Irwin, that's
the way things go sometimes.
Long pause.
AUDREY
Our
lives have been thrown into a
blender for "That's the way things
go sometimes"?!!
IRWIN
Now
Audrey, keep in mind this is
God we're talking to....Just what
in Hell does that mean? Ooops
sorry.
GOD
Well,
I gave out all the really
good ones two thousand years ago.
AUDREY
That's
dumb!
GOD
Keep
in mind who you are talking
to, young lady.
IRWIN
But
what does it mean?
GOD
It's
your lesson Irwin, if I just
gave the answers away it would
take all the fun out of it for you.
AUDREY
Fun?
You call what we went
through fun?
IRWIN
Shut
up Audrey. We're in enough
trouble as it is!
GOD
Now
tell me Irwin, just so I know
I'm not wasting valuable time here.
What does your lesson mean?
IRWIN
Is
this a test?
GOD
You
were the one who wanted to
know, hurry up now I don't have
all night.
IRWIN
I'm
thinking! Ahm....ahh...
GOD
Yes?
IRWIN
Well,
how about no matter what
happens there is always a reason
for everything?
There is the sound of
a small string quartet in harmony.
GOD
Close.
Listen keep trying, I have
a few other engagements. Keep in
touch!
IRWIN
Wait!
What about us?
GOD
Hmnn?
IRWIN
I'm
seventy years old!
GOD
Oh
right, no trouble.
There is the sound of
trumpets and Irwin and Audrey disappear. They appear in a hotel room at
the airport. Irwin is sitting on the corner of the bed and Audrey appears
out of the bathroom. She beams at him and seems to remember nothing. Her
entire attitude has changed. The voice of God appears again and apologizes
for the lack of grandeur of the room but he is after all, close to the end
of his fiscal year. God disappears wishing Irwin well. Irwin feels great.
His wife seems to have had a change of heart for the better, they are going
on a great holiday, what could possibly go wrong? There is a knock at the
door. Irwin goes up to the door and opens it. There is no hallway but only
a blasted desert plain. Miles is standing there with the old man that fell
out of the time hole in the Chev. It is his Uncle Theo. On the burnt horizon
Zeron leads a horde of zombies mounted on dinosaurs racing towards them.
MILES
Hi.
Listen, ya got a minute? I
need a hand.
Irwin slams the door in
his face.
AUDREY
Who
was it Hon?
IRWIN
Aaaah,
no one we want to know dear!
Back in the wasteland
by a door suspended by nothing.
MILES
Was
it something I said?
UNCLE THEO
Makes
perfect sense to me!
THE
END.
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