Archive for the ‘Rules of the Road’ Category

Stop It!

Tuesday, September 18th, 2007

Here is a new road rule: Quit messing with me!

Why do it? I never met you. Why mess with me? What part of your mind do you use to decide to play petty road games with strangers? What kind of small minded person gets a kick out of thwarting my driving plans?

Example: Some foolish individual is in the fast lane, going slow. That’s fine, no big deal, I’ll go around. So I get in the next lane and speed up to pass AND THE ASSHOLE SPEEDS UP TOO!

So I go “Ok, they just realized they were going slow, cool.” and I go back behind them because of slower traffic or something.

I’m no tailgater so that can’t be the reason they hate me, but they do because then THEY SLOW DOWN!

And I rail against the inequities of the universe. 

Then I think; “Maybe they think they are helping me? For my own good they are slowing me down?” But this thought enrages me, how can these self appointed speed vigilantes justify the intrusion on my freedom? This is America god damn it!

And so I zig when they think I am going to zag and with my superior driving skills I swoop around them, getting in front, claiming my rightful freedom! Do I play their same game and brake, punishing them for their violations? Nay.

I simply accelerate towards the blue horizon, knowing full well that their punishment is apt and fitting. Their punishment is that they will for the rest of their lives be them, people so small and petty that they would behave so badly.

And then I go back to the thought; “Why me?” I don’t see them doing it to other people. Only me. Very strange.

Maybe there is a mystical connection. Maybe I am special and they are guardian angels or time travelers  protecting me from wrecking? Directing me towards a better future?

If so thank you, my guardian angel time travelers!

But stop it!

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Rules of the road #1

Tuesday, August 14th, 2007

In this category I will post rules of the road as I think of them.

Rule # 1: USE YOUR TURN SIGNALS, DUMMY!
There are three reasons not to use your turn signals. I will assume that they are broken because I refuse to believe that a human being can be that lazy or stupid.

It is not a huge effort to move your finger and flip that toggle! Try it. See? Easy.

The other argument I have heard is “F ‘em”. But by “F”ing them you are also “F”ing yourself - eventually - when you hit somebody.

Also in most states it is illegal to not use your turn signals when changing lanes. Do you want to be a criminal? 

More reasons to use your turn signals:
1. I am not developed enough in my Psychic abilities (yet) to tell when you are going to cut me off. So I might hit you. Really hard.
2. If you do use your signal I will let you in, but if you don’t I won’t. Ever.
3. Some people may look at using the turns signals while changing lanes as asking for permission, but I say nay, Au contraire, mon frère. When I use my signals I am saying “I’m going into this lane whether you like it or not, I’m taking it! And I hope you don’t like it!”

So in conclusion: If you aren’t using your turn signals when changing lanes most people will think you are lazy, stupid, or that they are broken.  

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