A Funny Blog

Thoughts On Professional Sports

admin — Thu, 01 Nov 2007 21:22:58 +0000

I cannot figure out what the big deal is about profesional sports. What is it?

When you boil it down, all it is is a bunch of grown men playing with a ball.

A ball.

That’s it. The only pro sport that doesn’t use a ball is hockey, but the puck could be considered a ball that has been squished so let us continue.

I truely believe that the reason we have not been contacted by aliens is our insistence that professional sports are important.

They look at us with thier telescopes every so often and say, “Nope, they are still playing with balls, their society has not matured enough.”

So what is it about professional sports that fascinates people?

I realize that there is a level of athletisism beyond the norm in professional sports but isn’t that what the olympics are for?

Then there is the team spirit part of it, which I can understand, but can’t you be proud of you city or area without the artificial construct? Do you really need a bunch of jocks (that probably did not even come from you city but were hired like mecinaries) to beat another bunch of jocks in a game with a ball to show spirit?

What’s the big deal? There are people out there who live for . Why?

What part of my brain does not work right (because obviously it is me that is broke, not the rest of the world) that I cannot see the tremendous value of professional sports?

I wish I could get into it, the fun they seem to have, the comradery they share. But no, I can’t. I just sit here like an alien looking through a telescope at them, shaking my head sadly.

And then there is Motorsports - don’t even get me started on that.

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Stop It!

admin — Wed, 19 Sep 2007 06:14:17 +0000

Here is a new road rule: Quit messing with me!

Why do it? I never met you. Why mess with me? What part of your mind do you use to decide to play petty road games with strangers? What kind of small minded person gets a kick out of thwarting my driving plans?

Example: Some foolish individual is in the fast lane, going slow. That’s fine, no big deal, I’ll go around. So I get in the next lane and speed up to pass AND THE ASSHOLE SPEEDS UP TOO!

So I go “Ok, they just realized they were going slow, cool.” and I go back behind them because of slower traffic or something.

I’m no tailgater so that can’t be the reason they hate me, but they do because then THEY SLOW DOWN!

And I rail against the inequities of the universe.

Then I think; “Maybe they think they are helping me? For my own good they are slowing me down?” But this thought enrages me, how can these self appointed speed vigilantes justify the intrusion on my freedom? This is America god damn it!

And so I zig when they think I am going to zag and with my superior driving skills I swoop around them, getting in front, claiming my rightful freedom! Do I play their same game and brake, punishing them for their violations? Nay.

I simply accelerate towards the blue horizon, knowing full well that their punishment is apt and fitting. Their punishment is that they will for the rest of their lives be them, people so small and petty that they would behave so badly.

And then I go back to the thought; “Why me?” I don’t see them doing it to other people. Only me. Very strange.

Maybe there is a mystical connection. Maybe I am special and they are guardian angels or time travelers  protecting me from wrecking? Directing me towards a better future?

If so thank you, my guardian angel time travelers!

But stop it!

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Thoughts on Toilets

admin — Tue, 18 Sep 2007 15:33:46 +0000

I believe toilets were invented by an aural pervert. I have heard that they were invented by a man named Crapper, but I did some research on the internets and found out that that idea is full of shit.

He did not invent the toilet, he “popularized” it. BTW, how the hell do you “popularize” the toilet? It seems to be a no brainer. Do you want to go number two in this nice porclean thing indoors or in that outhouse, splintery wood seat and all?

Well at least nobody can hear your every intestinal whisper in the outhouse. Which brings me back to my first point. Why does the toilet bowl amplify sound? I’m sure it could be designed to do the opposite, a “Stealth Toilet” if you will, but why haven’t they?

I hate to sound like a nut - but it’s a conspiracy.

A conspiracy of toilet wierdos.

If you link it up and connect the dots it all leads to one thing. There is a secret society of toilet listening freaks who have thier ears pressed to the walls, getting off on your toilet sounds.

Which is why I do not go to the bathroom in public restrooms although I risk charges of defecating in public when I go in the bushes.

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Rules of the road #1

admin — Wed, 15 Aug 2007 03:14:21 +0000

In this category I will post rules of the road as I think of them.

Rule # 1: USE YOUR TURN SIGNALS, DUMMY!
There are three reasons not to use your turn signals. I will assume that they are broken because I refuse to believe that a human being can be that lazy or stupid.

It is not a huge effort to move your finger and flip that toggle! Try it. See? Easy.

The other argument I have heard is “F ‘em”. But by “F”ing them you are also “F”ing yourself - eventually - when you hit somebody.

Also in most states it is illegal to not use your turn signals when changing lanes. Do you want to be a criminal?

More reasons to use your turn signals:
1. I am not developed enough in my Psychic abilities (yet) to tell when you are going to cut me off. So I might hit you. Really hard.
2. If you do use your signal I will let you in, but if you don’t I won’t. Ever.
3. Some people may look at using the turns signals while changing lanes as asking for permission, but I say nay, Au contraire, mon frère. When I use my signals I am saying “I’m going into this lane whether you like it or not, I’m taking it! And I hope you don’t like it!”

So in conclusion: If you aren’t using your turn signals when changing lanes most people will think you are lazy, stupid, or that they are broken.

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How To Start a Blog for Ten Dollars

admin — Tue, 14 Aug 2007 04:16:18 +0000

FIRST: What is a Blog?
Blog is short for Web-log. It is different from a traditional website in that it is database driven and is updated and managed online while a regular website is edited and managed offline then uploaded via FTP. Some benefits are that it is easier to manage, multiple users can post articles, no html skill or software is required and you can post by email even!

So now that you are convinced that you want a Blog:
SECOND: How to make a Blog.
I am not making any money from godaddy.com but maybe I should join their reseller program because that is where you should go. find a name that you like - like maybe your name or a related word with “blog” appended to it or whatever. I found HollywoodMovieBlog.com.

DON’T buy it yet!

Now find the link to “hosting and servers” then “Personal, Small, And Med. Businesses, or Click here. Now select the Economy Plan for $3.99 a month for two months. after you add it then you will see on the next page - Domains are only $1.99* with any new, non-domain purchase - so now you buy the domain you found before. Now pay for it all.

If you already have a website hosted with godaddy than you can do this next part also.

After you get notified that your website is ready, go to the “Hosting and Servers” - “My Hosting Account”  then login again. Now in the column where it says “Control Panel” it will say “set up” or “Open” so click it. If you have to set it up go ahead and do what it says. If it say “Open” then on the next page find the link to “Metropolis”  and click it then find the link to “Wordpress” and install it on the root.

Now you have a Blog.

Wait for an email telling you it is set up then go to your website. It should be blue themed and have ”Hello World” displayed.

Click login and go into the site admin part of wordpress. Add a post, look at themes, just explore and figure it out.

Make sure you go to “Options” then “Privacy” and make your Blog public because we want everybody to see it.

After you write a few posts then try to find other like minded blogs and post comments. when you do there is a field for “website” and in there you type yours. Also you can find plugins and such so people can “Digg” your posts.

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