wemakegreatpets
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INT. AUDITORIUM - NIGHT
The place is packed with humans and Insectoids dressed in
their finest fungus suits.
A spotlight is on a an old guy dressed like a monkey and
holding carrots. He eats one real fasts, carrot guts flying.
He finales and bows with a flourish.
Scattered applause as the curtains close.
INT. BACKSTAGE - NIGHT
The monkeyman runs off the stage, grinning happily. He goes
past Sam, Alyssa, Ace, and Suzie holding Threep, who are
waiting in the wings.
ANNOUNCER (O.S.)
Vote number sixty seven for "Tony
the Rootmonkey!" That's sixty
seven. And now the team of "Sam and
Friend" doing a crowd pleasing
"Medley of Dance"!
Sam and Alyssa, in Cirque du Soleil costumes, mount the
stairs as the curtains part.
INT. STAGE - NIGHT
A snappy samba starts up and they begin to dance. Very fluid
and professional.
A few bars later the song changes to a Waltz and they switch
steps. Swooping across the stage.
Tempo change, they Riverdance to applause.
Song switch, now they Salsa, swinging their butts, smiling
broadly.
Scattered applause.
The music stops and they stop, standing side by side holding
hands.
They both put out one foot slowly.
They tap once, look at each other, then go crazy, breaking
out into a synchronized tap dance.
They pull out all the stops, doing everything in the book,
and finish with an amazing flurry of taps, then onto one
knee, arms outstretched, breathing heavy.
The crowd gets on their feet - a standing ovation!
The performers rise and bow as the curtain closes.
INT. BACKSTAGE - NIGHT
Sam struts down the stairs, Alyssa following.
SAM
Try to beat that.
He walks by, smirking.
ACE
Not a problem.
Sam turns back as the announcer begins announcing.
ANNOUNCER
Vote Number Sixty eight to see "Sam
and Friend" win. That's sixty
eight.
Sam gets in Aces's face.
SAM
How about now?
Sam rips off both of Ace's tuxedo sleeves, grabs Suzie's
guitar, then runs off laughing.
THREEP
Hey!
Ace turns to Alyssa.
ACE
How could you?
ALYSSA
We both have the same Insectoid. I
live with him. I had to.
Ace takes off after Sam, his top hat flying off.
Sam glares evilly at Ace from the end of the hallway then
smashes the guitar on the ground. He gives the heavy metal
hand sign.
SAM
ROCK AND ROLL!!
He slips through a side door, laughing. Alyssa also runs off.
ANNOUNCER
And now some more newcomers to our
show, "Ace, Suzie, and Threep"
performing "Hambone".
The curtain parts.
SUZIE
C'mon, Ace!
Ace goes back to Suzie. He stomps his hat and puts it on his
head. He looks like a bum.
ACE
Perfect. Now we do it a Capella.
THREEP
Acca who what?
They mount the stairs.
SUZIE
A Capella means singing with no
musical accompaniment.
THREEP
My Nanites can make music, see?
He emits a very weird music like a cross between an
electronic calliope and an organ.
INT. STAGE - NIGHT
They approach the microphones on the stage.
ACE
(to Threep)
Good, do it.
(into the mike)
Good evening all you wonderful bugs
and humans out there. This is an
old blues song performed by the old
blues man Bo Diddley.
THREEP
Here we go..
Threep makes his Nanites make the strange calliope sounds as
Ace adjusts his mike, leans over, and starts slapping.
ACE
(singing)
Hambone, Hambone where you been?
Threep's Nanites do a great job on the long musical bar
between the verses, on key and on time.
SUZIE
(singing)
Round the world and back again.
Alyssa appears at the stage wing and slides a bizarre looking
guitar to Suzie, who picks it up, nodding thanks.
The guitar looks like a flamingo ate dynamite then exploded,
then was welded back together wrong with stars.
Suzie strums the guitar. She smiles. It sounds very good,
nicely electric with not too much distortion.
ACE
(singing)
What you gonna do when you come
back?
Suzie plays the bar between lyrics.
The audience claps and stomps, enjoying themselves.
Threep pipes in in a very high pitched voice, pure and loud.
THREEP
(singing)
Take a little walk by the railroad
track.
Suzie rips into this seriously wicked George Thorogood riff.
All up and down the neck of the exploded flamingo guitar.
People cheer and clap as she lays into it.
INT. CURTAIN CONTROL ROOM - NIGHT
Sam, stressed out so much he looks like a wildman, rushes in.
The room is filled with large levers and knobs. A monitor
shows the stage with Ace, Suzie and Threep performing.
After looking at indecipherable labels he shrugs, reaches out
randomly, and pulls a lever.
INT. STAGE - NIGHT
A side wing curtain scrolls to the middle of the stage behind
our performers.
ACE
(singing)
Hambone, Hambone Have you heard?
Curtains move in and out, up and down. Lights dim and fade.
Ace and Suzie move around to avoid curtains and get in the
light. It syncopates their rhythm. The audience murmurs.
SUZIE
(singing)
Papa's gonna buy me a mocking bird.
The very back curtain goes up, exposing the orchestra
prepping for the next section of the show.
The players look up from their instruments like deer in
headlights.
Threep notices them and swings his tail like a conductor.
They start playing along, first the string section, then the
brass.
The audience claps.
The curtain lowers a bit then goes back up.
ACE
(singing)
And if that mocking bird don't
sing?
SUZIE
(singing)
Papa's gonna buy me a diamond ring.
INT. CURTAIN CONTROL ROOM - NIGHT
Alyssa confronts Sam.
ALYSSA
You know that this is cheating. You
need to stop.
Sam looks at the monitor and smiles at the chaos. Half the
orchestra is scrabbling for their seats.
SAM
Okay, I'm done.
Alyssa shakes her head sadly and sighs.
ALYSSA
Lets get ready for the selection
ceremony.
INT. STAGE - NIGHT
Ace and Suzie Have the audience's rapt attention. Every time
the music plays between the verses, something new happens.
ACE
(singing)
And if that diamond ring don't
shine
The symphony orchestra and Threep's Nanites play off of each
others sounds.
SUZIE
(singing)
Papa's gonna take it to the five
and dime.
Suzie rolls over Ace's back as Threep rolls over Suzie in the
opposite direction.
They do four bars of music, getting louder and adding in more
instruments and complex patterns till it crescendoes.
Silence.
Then in perfect three part harmony - a Capella:
ALL THREE
(singing)
Hambone, Hambone where you been?
Ace slaps the Hambone rhythm very dramatically and
deliberately.
ACE
(singing)
Off this world and I'm goinnnnnn'
back...
(Beat)
...agaaaaiiiinnnn!
The audience erupts to it's feet in applause and cheering.
The orchestra applauds itself.
Ace, Suzie, and Threep bow deeply as the curtain closes.
ANNOUNCER
Wow, that was something special,
huh? Vote number sixty nine for
"Ace, Suzie, and Threep". That's
sixty nine. Voting is now enabled
for all humans, you have ten
shmenkledirps to vote.
INT. BACKSTAGE - NIGHT
Ace and Suzie with Threep clatter down the steps, breathing
hard and smiling. Members of the orchestra file past, wanting
to see our performers and shake their hands.
ACE
Thanks, thanks, don't forget to
vote.
Ace shakes all their hands and the crowd dissipates.
Ace slides down the wall till he sits. He is wore out.
THREEP
That was fun! Let's do it again!
Suzie laughs and sits next to Ace.
SUZIE
No, no Threepie - boy. It's time to
relax and recharge.
THREEP
Okay Suzie - girl. I feel a little
funny anyway.
His tail quivers oddly as he crawls down from her shoulder.
ACE
Probably just exerted yourself to
much.
Threep lies down next to Ace.
THREEP
Yeah.
SERIES OF SHOTS:
1) The auditorium audience chatters and discusses the
performances then enter their decisions on keypads.
2) A woman and a man sit in front of the holo-projector with
their Insectoid. The man enters his vote on the remote and
hands it over to the woman with a knowing glance.
3) The humans stand in line at the restaurant to vote with a
remote control.
INT. STAGE - NIGHT
The curtain is closed and the lights are dim as all the
performers line up on the stage.
There are hula hoops and feather boas, multicolored mariachis
and Vegas showgirls.
The lights go up, the curtain parts and everyone smiles.
ANNOUNCER
And now the moment we have all been
waiting for! Contestants.
A drumroll begins. The contestants hold hands.
ANNOUNCER
This person put a dedicated foot
forward and managed to best his own
performance last Deca-fnarp. Third
place goes to:
(beat)
"Brad the Jugglenaut"
A juggler, juggling caterpillars steps up. They spin and
flip, striking poses in midair.
Oohs and ahs. Wonderful.
BRAD
I kinda expected this.
He turns and winks at Ace.
BRAD
But I would just like thank my
Insectoid, Sheboing, and my nest
mates Charlie and Alice. Also Prime
Node Foo. Thanks.
He bows with a flourish, a Threep on each outstretched hand
and one on his head then goes back to his place.
ANNOUNCER
These contestants did a remarkable
dance number that outdid every
other one. Second Place goes to:
(beat)
"Sam and Friend"!
Applause as they step forward and do a little dance step. Sam
hides his deep diapointment.
ANNOUNCER
First place prize goes to the team
that had wonderful costumes and a
unique presentation with the moving
curtains,
(beat)
"Ace, Suzie, and Threep"!
The other contestants clap loudly.
Ace smiles and lets Suzie take the mike.
SUZIE
I would like to take this
opportunity to thank everyone who
helped, from Threep's Nanites to
the orchestra. Also thanks to
Alyssa for the guitar and Sam for
the costume and curtain effects. A
big hand!
Applause. Sam is gritting his teeth. Ace takes the mike.
ACE
All I have to add is: CODE RED!
CODE RED! CODE RED! Activate cells!
Rebel guards to the front!
INT. AUDITORIUM - NIGHT
Suddenly all the humans turn on their masters. They take away
their leashes and stunners and other means of control and
hold guns on them.
The rebel guards strip off their robes hiding shining armor
and trudge to the front. They hold their rifles at the ready.
INT. STAGE - NIGHT
ACE
Keep the cameras rolling.
He points to Sam.
ACE
Seize him.
They do. Sam cries.
ACE
Right now around this planet the
rebel humans are taking over.
Please cooperate and no harm will
come to you.
Ace looks int the camera.
ACE
Your whole society up to this point
has been just ... wrong. I'm gonna
fix it for you.
INT. AUDITORIUM - NIGHT
Ace with Threep on his shoulder leaves the stage by the front
stairs as Suzie takes over the mike.
SUZIE
Now don't hurt any of them. Just
corral them to the side. And you
humans watching at home, lock your
Insectoids in the closet and call
your local rebel headquarters.
Ace and Suzie wave at each other. He exits with a rebel guard
escort, Proctor Sylex, and Sam.
EXT. AUDITORIUM - NIGHT
Ace and his escorts get on a flying platform that bubbles
over and takes off.
INT. FLYING PLATFORM - NIGHT
A group of rebel guards cluster around display screens set up
on tripods, a mobile headquarters of sorts.
They fly over a city that is in trouble. Patches are dark,
without power, and fires burn in spots.
Ace is concerned. So is Threep.
Sam stands on his left, a guard behind him. Proctor Sylex is
on his right. Sam waves towards the troubled city.
SAM
Great job there, buddy.
Ace is silent.
PROCTOR SYLEX
Do not be too concerned. Our rifles
and grenades are set to stun and
anyone accidentally killed can be
regenerated if they wish. And
remember, he's an asshole.
Threep brightens.
A sergeant steps up to Ace and salutes.
SERGEANT
Sir, the leaders of the Insectoids
are holed up inside their council
chambers.
ACE
Good. That's where we were going
anyway.
The sergeant stands at attention.
ACE
Um, dismissed or something.
The sergeant relaxes and returns to the group.
EXT. COUNCIL CHAMBERS - NIGHT
The Building looks like Disney's Space Mountain. It is ringed
with rebel forces and tracers fly in both directions.
The flying platform glides in, lands in front of the Council
chambers, and unbubbles.
Ace and his entourage leave the platform and go up the front
lines at the steps to the door.
ACE
Cease fire and give me a megaphone.
The message goes through the troops and the gunfire subsides.
A rebel soldier hands him an exploded flower thing. He speaks
into the small end.
ACE
OPEN UP. I JUST WANT TO TALK. A
TEMPORARY TRUCE.
Ace gives back the megaphone.
Loud clattering footsteps inside.
The huge doors creak open.
Ace and entourage enter.
INT. COUNCIL CHAMBERS - NIGHT
They march through a foyer and into the dimmed Chamber.
Only half the seats out of hundreds in the circular room are
filled. In the center there is a five seat dais. PRESIDENT
SHPOINK sits in the highest chair.
PRESIDENT SHPOINK
I am President Shpoink, the duly
elected official representing all
of my species. You are in violation
of the laws of this planet. Cease
or be destroyed.
ACE
You, sir, are in violation of the
laws of common decency.
THREEP
Yeah!
ACE
Cease or be ... or be... forced to
be decent!
The Sergeant and Proctor Sylex shrug at each other. Okay why
not? Works for me.
PRESIDENT SHPOINK
Excuse me?
ACE
There is no excuse for your
behavior.
PRESIDENT SHPOINK
Why is not your leader Sam
Speaking?
ACE
We had a special election and I
took over... Hey wait a minute ...
How do you know who the leader of
the secret Rebel underground is?
He turns to Sam.
ACE
You sneaky shish kabob! If you
weren't seized already I would have
you seized. What do you have to say
for yourself?
Sam gets huffy.
SAM
You don't understand. I was working
for the betterment of both species.
PRESIDENT SHPOINK
(to Ace)
So you do not enjoy being a pet?
I'm sure there are many others that
do.
He points at Sam.
The Insectoid members of the council lean forward, attentive.
ACE
I'm sure there are some
dysfunctional humans that enjoy the
humiliation of being treated like a
pet, or ones that were raised that
way and know no better.
PRESIDENT SHPOINK
You do not understand. To be a pet
is to be loved and taken care of.
It would seem dysfunctional to NOT
want to be a pet.
Ace gets mad.
ACE
How would you know?
PRESIDENT SHPOINK
Are we not all pets in some fashion
or other?
Ace shakes his head.
ACE
You can speak figuratively all you
want but your point of view is
meaningless until you have
experienced it yourself.
President Shpoink is taken aback.
PRESIDENT SHPOINK
I do not speak figuratively, sir.
Ace is surprised. So is Threep.
PRESIDENT SHPOINK
Just as you have a pet and are also
considered a pet, so, to do we.
Ace and Threep are confused.
PRESIDENT SHPOINK
Our pets are you. Own owners are
the robot houses we live in. We are
their pets.
Ace starts getting it.
ACE
How did that happen?
President Shpoink shrugs.
PRESIDENT SHPOINK
It's a long story, but basically we
made them with built in laws so
they cannot hurt us.
ACE
Ah, the Three laws.
PRESIDENT SHPOINK
No. Seven. They eventually took
over to protect us. They were nice
about it so we let them. And they
love and protect us.
ACE
Wow. Okay. I can work with this.
Ace paces.
PRESIDENT SHPOINK
Just like we love and protect the
Hominids. So do you see now? You
can give up this craziness and go
back to your nice safe houses.
President Shpoink Smiles beneficently.
ACE
No. There must be some among you
who do not want to be pets. And if
there is even one of you who feels
that way then you are nothing more
than SLAVES! Your freedom is an
illusion.
PRESIDENT SHPOINK
I really don't think so. We are all
fine.
Ace talks to the council members.
ACE
C'mon, people! At least one of you
is not happy being a pet. You want
to Rule! Admit it!
The council members look at each other. One shrugs and stands
up.
Seeing this, more and more stand, till half are standing.
Ace smiles. Now it is President Shpoink's turn to be
surprised.
ACE
See?
All the rebels smile and nod.
ACE
So now you need to vote.
PRESIDENT SHPOINK
Vote? Vote for what?
Proctor Sylex steps forward.
PROCTOR SYLEX
You have enough members here to
pass a resolution supporting the
rebellion. We will take our fight
for freedom to the robots!
PRESIDENT SHPOINK
But what about the people who still
want to be pets?
Ace interjects.
ACE
It can be voluntary. We can work it
all out later. But for now we just
need a general resolution
supporting freedom.
The council members mumble loudly.
PRESIDENT SHPOINK
Well that's that then. Go ahead and
go to the Robot Factory.
ACE
What do you mean? Aren't you going
to vote?
PRESIDENT SHPOINK
We just did.
ACE
Oh. Okay. Cool.
(to the members)
If any of you wish to join us in
our fight then please do. Meet us
at the Robot Factory! Thank you!
He turns and exits the building, followed by his guardsmen. A
few Council members clatter behind.
EXT. COUNCIL CHAMBERS - NIGHT
Ace and crew get on the flying platform. Before it bubbles
over Ace has an announcement.
ACE
Troops! We have won this battle!
The Insectoids have been persuaded.
We go to the Robot Factory!
The Rebels cheer and shoot their guns in the air. Then they
subside and look at each other, confused.
One Rebel steps up and salutes.
REBEL
Sir, what does the Robot Factory
have to do with our revolution?
ACE
Good question.
(beat)
SEIZE HIM!
(beat)
Just kidding. The Insectoids are
the pets of the Robot Houses, so
now we must take our gallant fight
to them.
The troops mumble. Ace looks at the Sergeant.
ACE
What are they voting about?
Ace's platform bubbles over and shoots skyward.
EXT. ROBOT FACTORY - NIGHT
Acres of robot dome house skeletons in various stages of
assembly surround the huge monolithic gray cube factory.
Their jagged edges strike sharp shadows on the hard packed
earth.
Ace's platform approaches, high in the sky and far away.
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